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The Gym 1

18 Feb

It has been a week since I joined the gym and things have been going well. The first thing that I should point out is that as with life nothing is ever as simple as it appears.

I arrived with a print out receipt for my 30 days for $30. Tony the affable manager smiled and took me to his booth where he began to hit me with his spiel. Two minutes in and I was dizzy with the different options, money-saving offers and too good to be true deals. As I tried to convince Tony that all I was interested in were the 30 days I had planned, he could not fathom why I would not sign up to his clearly better deal.

I was sucked in to the point where I felt my will beginning to bend and while in hindsight I should have just manned up and told the truth “I am here for 30 days no more, just want to take advantage of your silly offer, I have no intention of joining your gym.” I squirmed trying to explain how my indecision was chronic and that I should ‘think about it a little more’. I eventually managed to convince him to let me be and that after a quick workout I would comeback with a decision. He relented and I went on my way.

In my earlier post I joked that since I had not entered a gym for well over 10 years the only machine that I may be able to use was the exercise bike. It turned out I was almost correct. For 5 minutes I peddled furiously wondering why none of the buttons would work and why there was no resistance even when I tried to increase the tension. Turns out the machine was broken…ooops

Thoroughly embarrassed I sheepishly moved onto the next machine, a kind of step thingy which again I could not turn on until I worked out that by starting to step the machine lit up, I managed 10 minutes and burned 125 calories, almost enough for a burger bun!!! Next onto to the weights, again a bad idea, especially stood next to some Schwarzenegger type, I over exerted myself and felt the rip as I tore my muscle fibres to shreds. Back to the exercise bike and another 100 calories. By this point I was pooped, sweaty and ready to confront Tony.

Luckily by this stage he was exasperated from dealing with an irate client and was easily persuaded to give me my temporary membership without any more cajoling. Finally I was on my way. I have since returned every day and after 2 weeks healthy eating and 3 days of gym have dropped 5 KG. Happy Days!!!


Eating Less In NYC

11 Feb

It had to happen sooner or later, a look down and the realisation of significant belly gain.

I’ve often heard the mysterious line that once you hit 30 you start gaining weight
in a way that never happened previously, your metabolism slows down and
everything you eat lands straight on your belly.

It must be true because it happened to my father…..For some reason my
brother thinks that it’s cool to recycle dads old clothes. Now my brother has
always been a bag of bones and even he only just manages to squeeze into them.
Thus my father was obviously skinny once but it is a memory I do not have, for
me he was always a belly and progressively a larger one at that. Therefore at
some point he went from being super skinny, to rotund, to fat.

I do not want to go the same way even though my love of food and hate for the
gym makes it inevitable. So here at 32 I’ve decided to take a stance and at
least try to put the inevitable off for a little longer…

It’s a fact, I hate the gym. I have never been a member of one, not even
joined with good intentions only to cancel when I realised that it
was my bank balance losing the weight and not me. So this is a big
step, if only on a short-term basis. The NYSC offer a 30 day trial for
$30 an unbelievable bargain when you consider that a normal monthly
fee is $79 plus membership fee plus joining fee.

I have already started with the eating aspect, exercise being only one part of my
weight loss scheme. In my research I found myself plummeting to the depths of
dieting hell by Googling Calorie Counting websites and starting to fathom just
what I had been doing to myself for all these years. Did you know a 12′
pepperoni pizza has 1500 calories? That’s just not fair, your only
supposed to have 2500 in a day! So a cheeseburger for lunch and
pizza for dinner and your fucked…there’s not even room for any vegetables, you’ve already hit your limit….

It only gets worse when you see the websites that tell you about calorie burning.
Cycling which had become my main form of exercise in London
burns 544 calories per hour. It took me ten minutes to cycle to
work and that was 2 miles so that means a 12 mile bike ride only
burns 544 calories. That’s depressing as hell. Especially as I think that is the only piece of gym equipment I know how to use!!!

Thus to eat a pizza guilt free I would have to cycle to New Jersey. I
don’t  think they even have good pizza in NJ ( they probably do but
it’s a long way to go to find out). On the plus side if I cycle home
I can have that cheeseburger…..

If like me you don’t love the gym there are other ways. Sex for
instance burns 102 calories per hour, mind you that is vigorous sex. On the
opposite end of the spectrum under the ‘Religious activity section’,
“Talking or Singing, Attending a Ceremony, Sitting or Active Participation”
offers the same calorific burning rate of 102 per hour. That’s insane, it’s as if
god is rewarding you. This must be a religiously funded website!
Fornication bad, praying good…. In fact this website must be bogus. Firstly
fishing somehow burns 204 per hour and then just for sitting and watching TV
I burn 68 per hour how can vigorous sex only be 102. I have never spent an
hour watching TV and been left feeling breathless,red-faced and ready to sleep.

But don’t panic if your hobbies, do not burn enough calories, you can always take solace from the fact that while you are working you will still be fighting the flab.

The least helpful occupation is obviously desk bound work, but you’ll be
happy to know that it is no worse for you than sex
hitting that magical 102 per hour mark. I am sure this is an
outdated cliché but I wonder what that means if your screwing your
secretary on the side, is that double points or do they just merge
into one. I do not want you to think that I am sex obsessed or that I
thought this would be some magical route to weight loss, just that I
am astounded that vigorous sex can be deemed equal to working a
desk job, praying in church or sitting in a meeting!!!!

That is a lot of food for thought, but I am just going to have to bite the bullet. In the end it comes down to eating less and exercising more, so no more blogging about it, I’ve got 13kg to lose and am off to the gym…….


Unsurprisingly the most effective occupation to burn calories is being
a firefighter…and they say exercise can’t kill you!!!